Jokes

Some have very good memories for jokes. They can reel them off one after another seemingly for hours. Professional comedians such as Ken Dodd and Bob Monkhouse could keep going all day. 

On the other hand, I have always struggled to remember jokes. But just as with memorable things people have said, as I wrote in the last but one post, I can remember quite clearly when and where I heard the few I do remember, and who told them. Again, I suspect this short list (which contains mild bad language but nothing too unseemly) reveals a lot about me. 

This came from Brenden in the shared house in Leeds, about 1973. 
A man walked into a public lavatory and slipped on a large slick of urine on the floor, and landed on his back in it. 
He stood up soaking wet. 
A second man then came in, slipped in the same way, and also ended up on his back in the pool of urine. 
“I just did that,” the first man said. 
“You dirty bugger,” said the second man. “You should get it cleaned up.”

I like these wordplay transposition jokes. This was from PC, another in the shared house around the same time. 
What is the difference between a prostitute and a bumpy road? 
One knackers your tyres. The other tires your knackers. 
A similar one, from my brother while he was at university, involves a bad marksman and a constipated owl. The bad marksman shoots but can’t hit. 

Here is one from the radio while I was waiting in the car for my wife about 20 years ago. It was told by Clement Freud on the programme ‘Just A Minute’. I consider it a perfect joke, with a surprise punch line, and an inbuilt logic that creates a wonderful image. I never tire of this one. 
How does a blind parachutist know when he is near the ground? 
The dog’s lead goes slack. 

My wife does not have a good memory for jokes, either. I suppose we place more value on our own humour. But here is one she does remember. 
What do you call someone who used to like tractors? 
An extractor fan. 

That, sadly, is the paltry sum total of what I can dredge out of my head at this moment. I won’t be applying to go on Jokers Wild. 

Pottery

Daughter’s pottery business. 

Newly made mugs drying out, awaiting handles: 

In kiln with other things, after first firing:

Being glazed, ready for second firing: 

Finished, ready for craft market: 

The spoon rests are popular, as are the mugs. You could probably buy six or more mass-produced supermarket mugs for the same price but it is pleasing to have a hand-made mug for your morning tea or coffee. People buy them as their special mugs, and return for presents. The coffee bowls and little jugs have been doing well recently, too. On a good day, she can take £800.  

Wise Words

Words echo through the years. I hear and remember them as if it were today. The written word can be as memorable. Here are some that stayed with me, the ones that come first to mind, which probably say as much about me as their speakers or writers. Do any resonate with you, or do you remember others?   

You know very well John that men are afraid of living alone. 

(JB, English Literature Teacher on the evening class I took when retaking Advanced Level exams in my mid-twenties. After the course ended, John (another student) and I went with him for a drink, and he was complaining that creative output declines or ends after marriage, as had happened to him. John asked him why he had got married then.) 

It takes you ten years before you realise how crap you are. 

(Tim Keech, Hull guitar teacher. It applies to other skills as well, from computer programming to blogging. My own variation is: No matter how good you think you are, there is always someone better. I used to say this to the computing students. Another variation is: The more you know, the more you realise you don’t know. Or as the friend I call Gilbert in this blog put it: You know fuck all Tasker. He was very astute.)

The motorcycle you are maintaining is yourself. 

(Slightly misquoted from Robert Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Again, it applies to almost anything in which you are so deeply immersed it becomes therapeutic and cuts out all other concerns. This was something else I used to tell computing students.)

If those countless millions began to see the possibilities he saw and were then frustrated, there might be hell to pay. And they have been frustrated. 

(Ted Simon in Jupiter’s Travels, an account of his journey round the world 1973-1977 on a motorbike, observing the different living standards between rich and poor countries. He was right.) 

You always fall on your feet, don’t you. 

(My mother after I scraped six Ordinary Level exam passes at school, allowing me to progress post-16 into the Sixth Form. She knew how little work I had done.)  

I’ve got more common sense in my little finger than you have in your whole body. 

(My mother during her final illness, as my impractical dad struggled to erect bean poles, a job she had always done but no longer could. He usually responded with Aren’t I lucky to have married such a practical wife! But I could have strangled him when he visited one day to find me with the floorboards up, channels cut in the walls, wiring neatly laid out, as I was installing some new spur sockets in the bedroom. Aren’t you lucky to have married such a practical wife! he said.)

Always make sure your driving wheels are on firm ground.

(My dad on driving on muddy ground, but it seems to have wider meaning. Another useful tip was: In ice and snow, drive in the highest gear possible so as not to spin the wheels.)

This is the life. 

(The friend I call Neville in this blog, sometimes laying on the ground in hot sum out in the countryside with his shirt off, but more often up a mountain sipping a cup of coffee from a thermos flask, hiding from driving rain and sleet behind an inadequate rock, exhausted. He is blessed with the gift of always remaining cheerful.)  

It’s a bugger, i’n’t it. 

(The family friend I call Uncle Jimmy in this blog, on serious illness. At the end, my Aunt said we had better get him into hospital. “All right,” he said, “but we’ll have a cig first. We’ll have one o’ yours.”

Age is like cricket. Some make a century while others are out for a duck. A score in the seventies is a useful innings. 

(Me in a draft too bleak to post.) 

There were many others, but I will stop with those. 

Record Box - 3, The Who

The Who: The Ox, Tommy, Quadrophenia, Who's Next
I had more on tape

Continuing to look through my boxes of vinyl LPs before passing them on. 

Moving from Beethoven's Symphonies to The Who: quite a contrast. 

The Who were different. While other bands sang about A Groovy Kind of Love, and How Do You Do What You Do To Me, the Who sang about their mates in The Kids are All Right and My Generation. Aggressive disaffected young males and Mods and Rockers. Pete Townshend saw it as his mission to give voice to this misunderstood, inarticulate generation as Britain was changing after the war, moving from the relative certainties of the 1950s into the unknowns of the 1960s. 

They also sounded different. That what was essentially only a 3-piece band with a singer could make such a big sound was astonishing. They were all top at their game. Roger Daltrey's vocals were amazing. When Keith Moon joined the band on drums, they said it was like a furnace starting up behind them. Pete Townshend's song writing, arrangements, and backing vocals were original, and he played ringing, wide-spaced guitar chords no one else seemed to know: every amateur guitarist was baffled by I Can See For Miles and the beginning of Pinball Wizard. But, for me, who always had a hankering to play bass, it was John Entwistle who captured my attention. Listen to Can You See The Real Me from Quadrophenia for example: 

A video of the original is at https://youtu.be/IDqr9t1Zn6Q but I am more impressed by this deconstructed bass part from online teacher Stuart Clayton:  

https://youtu.be/SSAQGGD89pE

As I have mentioned before, I always heard the music first and the lyrics very little. Only now, after all this time, do I realise how unpleasant and uncompromising some of them are. Yes, I was mildly amused by "Hope I die before I get old" and "Why don't you all f-fade away?" in My Generation, but could one write the following today? 

(from Doctor Jimmy in Quadrophenia)

You say she's a virgin
But I'm gonna be the first in
Her fellah's gonna kill me?
Oh fucking will he

What is it?
I'll take it
Who is she?
I'll rape it

Well, maybe if you are a rapper. Exploitation and denial of opportunity is as bad as ever. 

Yet, for many years, astonished by the music, Quadrophenia was one of my favourite LPs.

Pete Townshend was writing about a character, of course, there are some pretty nasty ones in Tommy, too, and unpleasant characters warrant unpleasant lyrics. So when, in 2003, Pete Townshend was arrested, cautioned, and put on the sex offenders register for five years, for using a credit card on a child pornography website (a transaction he cancelled immediately without viewing or downloading anything), and said he had been there for research purposes, I see no reason to doubt him. 

He talked about the incident and his songs in this BBC interview in 2012, although it may not be available outside the UK. Listening now brings home how profound they were. Yes, the Who were different.

Supermarket Launches New Loyalty Badge Scheme

New Month Old Post: a rather silly piece originally from 11th December, 2016, that Debby reminded me of recently. 

An exclusive to Tesco Dunham’s Yorkshire Memories

A leading supermarket is to launch a new loyalty badge scheme inspired by the post Be Prepared in Tasker Dunham’s Yorkshire Memories, which describes how Wolf Cub proficiency badges promote strong feelings of achievement and loyalty. With this in mind, Tosco are to launch a similar scheme for customers.

Customers will be able to earn discounts by collecting shopping bag badges and car window stickers. Products bought throughout the duration of the scheme will be grouped into categories, such as fruit and vegetables, pet food and alcoholic drinks. Once a qualifying amount has been spent in a particular category, customers will be awarded a proficiency badge to show they have earned a 1% discount on all future purchases within that category. Spending twice the qualifying amount earns a 2% discount, and so on, up to 10% until the scheme ends. Customers who purchase a full range of products will therefore be able to earn a whopping 10% discount on the whole of their weekly shop.

One unique aspect of this innovative scheme is the collection of proficiency badges to display on shopping bags and in car windows. As in the Wolf Cubs scheme, badges will be colour-coded according to whether they reflect character, skills, service to others or health. Here are some of the badges that will be available:

Blue Badges for Character

Customers will be able to show they possess depth of character through blue badges earned when they buy meat and poultry, tobacco products, and beers, wines and spirits.

Yellow Badges for Skills

Customers who buy tools and maintenance products, cookware, kitchen equipment and materials for household cleaning and laundry will be able to display their accomplishments on yellow badges.

Red Badges for Service to Others

Caring red badges will be awarded to customers who buy baby care products such as formula milk and disposable nappies, and also to those who buy pet care and first aid items.

Green Badges for Healthy Lifestyle

Healthy green badges will be awarded to buyers of fresh fruit and vegetables, wholesome food supplements, vitamin pills, over-the-counter medicines, denture fixative and incontinence pads.

Just as in the Wolf Cubs scheme, the Tosco scheme will also allow customers to qualify for glitzy silver stars to fix to the front of their cars and shopping trolleys. For the first star, customers will have to show they can successfully carry out a set of difficult tasks, including steering a loaded shopping trolley safely through a crowded supermarket while collecting a list of fifteen specified items in less than fifteen minutes, using an automated self-service checkout, packing items efficiently into bags, learning Tosco slogans by heart (e.g. Every Little Helps) and executing the Tosco two-fingered salute.