Hello. Foxy here. Well, that’s not my real name, but everyone calls me Foxy because I am a fox. I am the only one that comes in the gardens. The others all stay in the woods and fields on their own. I live in a cosy tree root and like to meet others. I am very sociable.
There was an open window in Tasker’s garage. I was able to squeeze through and then get into the house and use his computer to write this. There used to be a pretty little cat called Phoebe here but she no longer seems to be around. She always ran away when I tried to be friendly.
Anyway, I am writing to complain. They left out some food for me. Would you believe what it was? Hedgehog biscuits! Biscuits for hedgehogs! Nasty flea-ridden spiny things. Do they really think I am going to eat hedgehog biscuits?
They were on a plant pot tray on a brick in the middle of the path. I wasn’t sure it wasn’t a trap, so I gave it a very careful check. I was hoping it was going to be that nice vegan dog food that must remain nameless for legal reasons. But it wasn’t. It was hedgehog biscuits. Biscuits for hedgehogs!
I showed them what I thought of that. I picked up the plant pot tray and hurled it across the grass. The biscuits went everywhere. Then I picked up the tray again, put it back on the path, squirted it, and sauntered off in search of better things. I would rather eat worms.
And would you believe it? There, on Tasker’s computer, was a video of the whole episode. It was from that night camera thing they put out. Aren’t I handsome. Do you think I could start my own YouTube channel?
You will know better next time Mr. Tasker, fillet steak or chicken. Otherwise you are just a lousy restaurant with no stars...
ReplyDeleteYou had better keep quiet, Thelma, or he will be wanting to move in with you and Mollie.
DeleteJust can't please some people (foxes)...
ReplyDeleteHe has a point, though. Would you and P eat them? If yes, we can post them to you.
DeleteOh that Tasker is a cheap bastard, trying to palm off those cheap disgusting hedgehog biscuits on you, Foxy! Keep up the good work -- you are destined to be an Internet Star!
ReplyDeleteThey most certainly are not cheap hedgehog biscuits. They are the best quality Spiky's hedgehog food you can buy. Just look up the price!
DeleteFoxy has rather more attitude and confidence than I like.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't want to mess with him.
DeleteI enjoyed reading that. Thanks. It was fun and with film thrown in too.
ReplyDeleteThanks. The video is cut down from 3 thirty second clips. He circled round several times before picking them up. Perhaps I should have included a bit more of that.
DeleteThanks for the tip about comments working better with Google Chrome.
Yes, Foxy, you really should set up your own YouTube channel. I am sure you'd have a huge viewership in no time, handsome and smart as you are!
ReplyDeleteHe could moneytise it and be able to afford to buy the very best Nosh!
DeleteIt's interesting, Foxy. Tasker's long time readers all have come to the same conclusion: that he is a good soul. But given a glimpse of him from another perspective, we see that he is actually a big meany head. Hedgehog biscuits indeed! I see how politely you came to the door to call attention to his faux pas (fox paw?), only to receive indifference. (He'll probably claim that he was sleeping. My sympathies are with you.
ReplyDeleteI am putting him on the next plane to Pennsylvania.
DeleteOh Foxy! You did not tell me that Tasker was looking over your shoulder...
DeleteNaughty fox. Fancy not liking hedgehog biscuits. They're rather yummy and count for your five proteins a day, especially if made from real hedgehog.
ReplyDeleteI have reported you to the RSPCA.
DeleteThe fox never found a better messenger than himself.
ReplyDeleteProverb.
He never found you, then.
DeleteOh, Foxy! He showed you what he thought of those biscuits!
ReplyDeleteSpoiler: he has started to eat them. Will put a video in the side bar when I get a good one.
DeleteDear Foxy, excellent post, but you might consider more soft-power ways of get these nice humans to bend to your preferences. Phoebe would have told you that. Your cousin living at our allotments has been named George by the kidz on the neighbouring plot (voice of the Fabulous Mr Fox). In exchange for being resident rat catcher, George apparently enjoys a varied diet which is randomly supplied by many gardeners across the whole site (including - remarkably - fresh meat, and ham & eggs!). The quid pro quo seems to have been that George got dragged off to a V-E-T at one particularly low point in his general health this year so you need to weigh things up - get too much of what you want from humans and they might take way too much interest in you. Hope we hear from you again. Regards Tigger's Mum
ReplyDeleteHe will convert you all into Quakers. Apart from that, do you need another fix there?
DeleteWell, Foxy, I wouldn't eat hedgehog cookies, either. Then, I wouldn't eat most of what you eat. I've seen you and the missus and two kits in our front yard, eating those hatchling 17 year cicadas; eating so many of them, in fact, all of you had to take a nap, then get up and start all over again. Then come back the next day and the next day and the days after that.
ReplyDeleteYuk! I wouldn't eat those. I'm glad we don't have them here.
DeleteDear Foxy, Like most humans they will just have to be trained to know what you like to eat. I guess a bit of roast chicken wouldn't come amiss. Just try sitting on the lawn and looking a bit sickly. They were so worried when you were limping about - you might try looking 'off colour' - you never know what they might put out for supper. They are very softt-hearted really - so try to wheedle your way a bit further into their hearts.
ReplyDeleteA good idea, but it would not work. They are wise to that kind of trick. Tasker tries it on his wife all the time.
DeleteIt's always good to see life from a different perspective! We have no foxes on the Island and until the '80s we had no hedgehogs either. Now hedgehogs and birds are all that my night camera picks up.
ReplyDeleteFoxy seems to have seen off the hedgehogs in this garden. The cats are very wary of him too.
DeleteHe is a beautiful young fox with a splendid brush.. Obviously, he's getting better fare elsewhere if he has the temerity to complain at what you put out for him.
ReplyDeleteI think he is hoping it will become like Tigger's Mum's allotment here, except for being dragged off to the vets.
DeleteHiya Laurence! I see that you have been sacked from GB News for lewd, laddish remarks on air. No wonder you are thinking of starting your own YouTube channel to make ends meet. You could call it Fox News and seek sponsorship from Fox's biscuits. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be confusing me with someone else. However, I would heavily promote that vegan dog food if the brand owners were to sponsor me.
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